Running in circles

Today will be my 4th run session. I can’t believe that I actually enjoyed running and walking after work. I know I said I was excited, but still, I was half expecting that I’ll give up after a couple of sessions. Probably it’s because I do it on my own - no trainer, I always run with a friend (except today but it's okay), and it lessens my guilt over eating binges with Buboy during weekends.

Although I’m having fun with my new found activity, I have other things in my mind right now. I’m a bit worried about the traces of blood that I have noticed with my discharge. It’s not every day that I see it, and God knows I keep a watchful eye on that one. I think it’s happened four or five times already in the past two to three weeks. At first I thought it’s just a sign that my period is coming, but it hasn’t come until now. I’m scared that something might be wrong with me down there.. again.

Then of course, the silly me is hoping that the blood-stained discharge might be a sign of pregnancy. So I bought a pregnancy test. The result is negative. And I wonder why I feel so bad when deep inside I know what the test would say even before i had it.

God I hate this! I feel like I’m running in circles and I don’t know how and when to stop.

-chebong

Baby blues

Yesterday Buboy and I went to attend the dedication of Kian, Allan and Susan’s baby. Allan is one of Buboy’s friends from college. I was excited to go, not only because Allan has been a good friend of mine too, but because his baby was so cute the last we saw him at Francis’ baby’s christening last year.

We arrived at the venue a little early and went outside to wait. Then Ritchie and Sherrie came and we girls chatted while the boys did the same in the other corner. After a few how are you’s, Sherrie broke the news that she’s already 4 months pregnant. I got really excited and happy for her and I know she actually saw it. Then Nhey and Arlyn came with their daughter Julliene. I noticed that Arlyn is getting bigger and I was later informed that she’s 5 months pregnant with their 2nd baby. I was still okay that time and still happy for the two moms sitting beside me. However, when we were all seated down inside and the ninongs were called to seat in front that I began to feel depressed. Nhey said he’s not a ninong because Allan is already the ninong of their first child and according to superstitions it’s not good. It dawned on me that Buboy is the ninong of all his closest friends from college’s first child. Who will he get to be the ninong when we finally have our baby?

Then during the dedication ceremony, Allan and Susan offered a prayer and they said something like thank you Lord for entrusting us to nurture a life. Big time sadness hits me again. I wonder why God would not trust me to nurture another life. Can’t I do it? Tears started to line my eyes. It hurt so much to push them back so no one would notice. We ended up going earlier than the rest of Buboy’s friends.

I thought I was over this. I thought I have already accepted that God might have other plans for us. I thought wrong...

-chebong

baby blues and loving husband

Last night while fooling around with my husband (we seem to have gotten into this weird habit of fooling around, tickling each other before we go to sleep), i got to appreciate (again) that what we have is a pretty good married life... And that we are happy most of the time when not pressured to have a baby. I think that if i am younger, i would not be too worried about being married for almost three years and still no baby . I think that the pressure mostly come from the fact that i'm almost in my mid-30's and i have pcos.

Sometimes i get to thinking that if we got married earlier, i would not be this pressured because we'd get more time. But then again, having a baby is not anyone's decision, it's God's. Besides, if we got married earlier than we did, i don't think we'll be as strong now.

Whether God will give us a baby (actually i was hoping HE'll give us four) or not, i am thankful that HE gave me my husband. Like what my good friend said "...at least you know Buboy really loves you for the woman that you are, not because of what possibilities you can give him... that may not seem enough sometimes, but not every married woman can claim that."

-chebong