Running in circles

Today will be my 4th run session. I can’t believe that I actually enjoyed running and walking after work. I know I said I was excited, but still, I was half expecting that I’ll give up after a couple of sessions. Probably it’s because I do it on my own - no trainer, I always run with a friend (except today but it's okay), and it lessens my guilt over eating binges with Buboy during weekends.

Although I’m having fun with my new found activity, I have other things in my mind right now. I’m a bit worried about the traces of blood that I have noticed with my discharge. It’s not every day that I see it, and God knows I keep a watchful eye on that one. I think it’s happened four or five times already in the past two to three weeks. At first I thought it’s just a sign that my period is coming, but it hasn’t come until now. I’m scared that something might be wrong with me down there.. again.

Then of course, the silly me is hoping that the blood-stained discharge might be a sign of pregnancy. So I bought a pregnancy test. The result is negative. And I wonder why I feel so bad when deep inside I know what the test would say even before i had it.

God I hate this! I feel like I’m running in circles and I don’t know how and when to stop.

-chebong

The stress of being fertility-challenged

I came across an article written by Lani Montreal. I don’t really know who she is, but I relate well with her words.

Fertility IS a very personal thing for me too. I can’t help but cry every time I hear of someone pregnant. Don’t get me wrong. I love babies. Every time I see one, I smile… I long to touch them and play with them and sometimes to those I see on the streets, care for them. It’s just saddening to think of others having them while we are having such a hard time to make just one. What bothers me more however, are the way people around us are asking how our baby-making project is going on or they give us unsolicited advice and tons of comfort words which do not really serve its purpose… at least not for me. It gives me more stress to answer them or to smile and nod at them than anything about getting pregnant. It is so stressful that I started to detest going to gatherings especially with relatives or even go to work.

Yes, I am a fertility-challenged woman. It was hard for me to believe it then but I have accepted it now. Buboy and I have been married for more than three years and we’re still trying to make our first baby. We have sought the help of modern medicine, alternative medicine and of course God. We tried everything of what our resources can handle. Yet, our little curly-haired gift has not yet arrived. We have not given up though. We are not giving up. Buboy said we are going to be mom and dad someday, even if it means having to adopt. And that is fine by me. And that should be fine with others too, right? Frankly, I am starting not to care.

-chebong

baby to complete me? nah!

My cycle has been (as usual) erratic, two cycles after we quit the fertility workout. On the 25th day of my latest cycle, i had a very light bleeding. Both my husband and i were surprised because my cycle has always been not less than 30 days and this was too short since the last. This light bleeding has been going on for six days now. From my previous research (and God knows i did a lot of research) on pregnancy, one of the symptom may be light bleeding or what is called implantation bleeding. Me, being me who is so very much still hoping that i'd get pregnant really soon, has been playing with the idea that i might be pregnant. I haven't told this to anyone, not even Buboy. I plan to have a pregnancy test tomorrow, my birthday.

Then i received a call from my insurance agent. She is a very nice lady. We updated each other, she telling me that he annulment has just been approved by her church (she's christian) and me telling her that i'm not yet pregnant. Then she told me that i should not be obsessed with being a mother. That i am a whole person on my own and i don't need a baby to complete me. Makes me think... is that the reason why i want a baby? to complete me? I don't think so. But then again, it gave me something to ponder on.

Oh and by the way, after that talk i went to the rest room for the pregnancy test. The result (as usual) was negative.

-chebong

baby blues and loving husband

Last night while fooling around with my husband (we seem to have gotten into this weird habit of fooling around, tickling each other before we go to sleep), i got to appreciate (again) that what we have is a pretty good married life... And that we are happy most of the time when not pressured to have a baby. I think that if i am younger, i would not be too worried about being married for almost three years and still no baby . I think that the pressure mostly come from the fact that i'm almost in my mid-30's and i have pcos.

Sometimes i get to thinking that if we got married earlier, i would not be this pressured because we'd get more time. But then again, having a baby is not anyone's decision, it's God's. Besides, if we got married earlier than we did, i don't think we'll be as strong now.

Whether God will give us a baby (actually i was hoping HE'll give us four) or not, i am thankful that HE gave me my husband. Like what my good friend said "...at least you know Buboy really loves you for the woman that you are, not because of what possibilities you can give him... that may not seem enough sometimes, but not every married woman can claim that."

-chebong

cried a good cry

My husband and i received a letter from a very good friend, Mec. We found it waiting for us in our bedroom when we arrived home very early Sunday morning (3:00am). We came from a wake and we stopped by the new mall at the back of serendra fort for a cup of coffee at CB&TL so it was already very late when we got home.

At first i thought it was just a "thank you for your sympathy" thing since Mec's nephew passed away last December and we went to the wake. Then i noticed the picture... it was a very pregnant tummy with 2 sets of hands holding it. I looked at my husband who already knew what it means, he looked back at me tenderly. And i just started to cry... and cry... and cry. And Buboy just held me tight. He knew it's what i needed--to cry. He kept telling me he loves me. And i wanted to tell him i love you too and thank you for sharing my pain, instead, i said i'm sorry.

Mec is pregnant. And though i'm happy for my friend because she's been wanting to have a baby also, i felt sorry for myself because we still don't have our own miracle. But i will always appreciate how Mec broke the news. How she gave me a good cry:) Well, Mec and i cried together many times in the past because we know that sometimes people need to cry out their pain to start healing.

I do pray that Mec and her baby will be healthy and that my friend enjoys her pregnancy and not forget to wear sexy clothes as her tummy grows:) i love you friend!

And i love you so much Buboy! You are the best thing that ever happened to me. And no matter what happens, i will always be happy and grateful that i have you beside me.

-chebong